Begin again
I’ve been acting a long time. Writing not so much. So I’m embarking on an expansion of my creative life and career. An expansion of the way I see myself as an artist. I believe the writing has already and will continue to inform it all, deepening my ability to tell story on stage and in front of a camera as well as on the page. It’s all storytelling. Creativity builds on itself yes? Does it matter when you start anew? Uncovering my own voice no matter how late in life can only deepen my artistry. Right? Here I go. Isn’t it always a leap of faith? And okay, I’m a little afraid.
I’ve always approached new roles from a place of not knowing. Answering questions: the who, what, where, when and why of character, place, situation and relationship. Years ago, my first impulse when facing that specific moment was fear. Fear of the clumsiness of not knowing, fear of looking bad and feeling stupid, fear of the judgement of others. I now trust myself more than I use to trust myself, and the mixture of experience, struggle, failure and success has burnished resilience. It has added a patina to what it is I do. What I create. Who I am. I’m not too old to continue to grow resilient. That patina can thicken. Will it be of any value? Only if I value it first.
I just returned from Brooklyn. My mom was hospitalized and is now in a rehab facility growing stronger. She has heart failure and is in the last chapter of her life. She has always been the most resilient person I’ve ever known. In a way she too is beginning again, beginning this new last chapter. And we don’t know what to expect. A callous doctor told a nurse within ear shot of my family “Her heart is bad. She can go at any time.” So we don’t know how long she has.
But she’s a fighter and she wants to go home. So we cleaned her kitchen cabinets and bought her a new refrigerator. Since my return to Los Angeles we’ve been facetiming. She looks stronger every day. Elder care. That’s a new chapter in my life. I know I’m not alone.
Embarking on an expansion. To call myself Actor/Writer. Whenever I write there is always that really bad first draft. You know, I love that first draft. The sloppiness of it. It’s like that first week in the rehearsal room with a brand-new play. It’s a time for discovery. I never quite know what’s going to happen. That’s what this blog is. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I like the feeling of risk.
And yet I’m still fighting self-consciousness. Thoughts like: Who do you think you are? A blog? A new website? Who is going to care? Old stuff taught to me by a mother I adore more than anything in the world, but who taught me to stay small in order to stay safe and not bring too much attention to myself. You ask: Well how did you wind up in theater and in front of the camera?” Really good question.
I know now that not knowing is part of the process. I know now to give myself the permission and the space to relax into the unknown, understanding that creativity sparks in the absence of strain and tension. I know that love is expressed in just being there, listening, allowing for vulnerability. I know that my mother will leave me. Caring for her is also part of this new chapter.
So begin again. Wherever you are in life, whatever is going on in your life, give yourself permission not to know. Be willing to accept, learn and begin.
Happy Thanksgiving 2021.
